For one, today is the 2nd day that CP has worked in over a month. This has created not only an immense lack of privacy (something vital for me to write an entry), but also built up a lot of resentment that would inevitably spill out in my diary. I don't want this to be the Bitch-About-CP-for-Things-Beyond-His-Control-Forum. So I refrained. He got hired at UP$, as a driver/driver's helper. It's a seasonal-cum-permanent type deal. He worked for three days (to train) and hasn't worked since. Everyday, he'll call in, and everyday they'll tell him they didn't need him, and everyday his self-confidence shrinks a little bit.

Instead of continuing to look for another job (at first), he spent his 'free time' playing games on the computer, spending money, and... spending money.

Everyday, I continue to work...all day on Sug@rKitty, and all night at GAP. I continue to do housework, (try to) cook meals, and harp on him about spending money we don't have. It's been a strained, terse environment at best.

Of course, this revelation makes CP look like a lazy moocher. This is not the case at all. It's a matter of perspective.

My Perspective: I'm broke, and that's going to be the case for sometime now. I anticipated this from the moment I decided to quit ShitJob and persue my dreams. In the interim, CP came along. I've had to completely rearrange my life. I spent more money than I'd planned. I didn't get a second part-time job like I'd planned (CP is adamant about me not getting a 2nd job and taking away more time from Sug@rKitty than I have to). I quit JAF, which I hadn't planned (but am SO happy I did).

When I'm broke, I go into self-preservation mode. This mode increases exponentially with the advent of Coupling. No extra expenditures. No superfluous purchases. No $40 haircuts, no new clothes. No CD's, movies, barhopping, no non-essential shopping sprees.

I spend all my time working, working furiously. I would spend 24 hours a day working if it weren't for sheer physical exhaustion. Work is the only thing I have control over.

All I see is that I'm working all day at a job that pays me nothing. I work all night at a job that pays me very little. After work, I spend my time knitting scarves or cross-stitching ornaments, because I have no money to buy real Christmas presents this year. I feel guilty that I can't buy things for the people I love, I feel inferior because I'm having to financially rely on someone else to help me make it through. I'm angry and resentful because even though CP pays his share of the bills and helps me, I'm still working non-stop while he does nothing.

My inner Control Freak is panicking, because there's not a steady inch of ground to tread on right now. My boyfriend is not making any money, but still spending it. No matter how hard I work, how much I sew, how many business cards or stickers I pass out, the fact is that I still haven't sold a single corset. I didn't budget correctly for advertising (duh, the only thing I didn't research), and am currently kicking myself because of it.

My family is crumbling, my parents are getting a divorce. The house I've called Home for the past 15 years will no longer exist in another month. My mom, who at 43 is utterly incapable of taking care of herself (despite her protestations to the contrary) is likely to go right off the fucking Deep End. She's not facing reality, she hasn't even begun to pack. She's had a man to take care of her for 15 years...what will she do when it all rests on her shoulders? My sister, who has only a year or so left of school, may not get to finish because of the divorce (and impending complications w/ financial aid).

CP's Perspective: Being turned down for work everyday for a month has made him feel like a Piece of Shit. Everyday, he feels a little more inept, a little less confident. He sees he's unable to provide for the woman he loves (despite my fierce independence, he still clings to that old-fashioned notion that he's gotta bring home the bacon, so to speak). He sees the look of disappointment and anger when UP$ tells him he's not needed, and sinks a little lower.

In his mind, everything will work itself out. He keeps spending money, because eventually he'll have a steady job, and eventually be able to pay for the stuff he's bought.

In his mind, he's so stressed about not bringing in money, about not working, and about disappointing me, that he doesn't know what to do. So he plays video games. He's paralyzed by depression, and overwhelmed by feeling inadequate....so he does nothing, because he doesn't know where to begin.

I know none of this is going on in his head, because he doesn't tell me. He feels he has to be the steady, stoic, non-emoting male (silly testosterone!) What I see is me working, CP playing video games and spending money. I see me sacrificing, giving up all the little things that make me happy, like a nice haircut and a new outfit, for the greater good of Us and Our Future. I see him getting to buy new 'toys' and ignoring my pleas to curb spending.

It took me having a complete, sobbing-my-eyes-out-hiccupping-and-not-being-able to-breathe-or-talk break down for him to understand. And to finally talk to me about what's in his head.

Relationships are so fucking hard. How can both of us have the same worries and act on them so differently? So. Fucking. Frustrating.

It's no wonder that when the only things going well for me are finishing my website, and having ads published in a local paper and a national magazine...it's no wonder that's all I want to write about. It's a wonder I want to write at all.

Everyday is a carbon copy of the one before: Wake up. Drink a gallon of coffee. Work. Work. Squabble with CP about money. Cry. Work. Stress. Work. Stress. Cry. Work. Sleep (sort of). Wake up, repeat, ad infinitum.