It's just that...reading others' and writing in my own diary has become an out-of-reach luxury. Every time I sit down to log in, I think, Hm, I need to update so and so on my website. Ooh, I need to invoice and ship that stuff I sold on eb@y. Oh! I have to sew this and cut that and copy this! Oh shit, there's still laundry in the washer...and I need to scoop cat poop, and take down the Christmas tree, and take the Christmas stuff back to storage. Damnit! We're out of milk, time to run to the grocery! Rinse. Repeat. Ad infinitum.

It's not just d-land that suffers. All the little things that used to make me squeal like a little school girl have long since disappeared into the Abyss of Self-Employment Land. Everything I do is rush! rush! rush! I can't seem to complete enough tasks in enough time. Ever. I'm constantly driven to distraction by everything...�Relax� has become like a 4-letter word in my vocabulary. Bleh.

Tho brevity is not my strong point, I�ll try to keep this massive update at a bare bones minimum�I can already see your eyes glazing over! Grab a cup of coffee damnit! On with the update!

Sug@rKitty News!

�If you haven�t been following along, there have been innumerable updates to my website. If you�re interested in the updates, join the notify list. If you�re not, you�re in luck because I�m going to cut back on the updates of the updates. Too many to keep up. The more I work on my website, the more I realize it�s perpetually in a state of Half Done-ness. So there.

�I�ve sold a few handbags, which is really cool. I think I might actually be able to make some money if I can get caught up with my sewing (hahahahahaha!), and create some new styles.

�I�ve got a contract with a fetish model in California! I�m not mentioning her name, because I don�t want google hits, but I urge you to check out her site. Mmmhmm. Basically, I give her a permanent discount in exchange for links on her site and word of mouth advertising. This could be the proverbial Big Break (something I keep hearing about�very elusive creature, this �Big Break�!) I�m currently working on her first order�check it out on corsetcam [insert shameless self-promotion here].

�New stickers have come in! I�m still selling �em�if you want to have a piece o� the Sug@rKitty Empire (ha!), click here. At least give a click to check �em out!

Family News!

This shouldn�t really be punctuated with an exclamation point�more of a question mark�but enh, such is life. How can I �splain? No, there is too much. Let me sum up. (oooooh, more bullet points!) I cannot remember how much I�ve divulged about my Mother�s notoriously sketchy past, but I�ll try to fill in as best I can.

�First, the divorce is still final. It was on again/off again for awhile. I found out Dan was threatening her with divorce primarily to scare her into reality. Didn�t work - in fact, it pushed her further over the deep end. She decided to move to a trailer park (?!!!) even though Dan never asked her to move out. The worst part is, she lied and told him she was �cleaning up the trailer� as a side job for some guy (?!!!). Dan thought she was having an affair until Amber (my sister) and I told him the truth. As it tursn out, she moved there because one of her druggie friends is a neighbor, so she's in convenient proximity to drug dealers as needed.

�My mom is a recovering alcoholic/crack head. She�s also a manipulative, pathological liar. She�s also so fucked up on drugs (oh yeah, she�s no longer �recovering�- she jumped off the wagon with both feet!) that she�s not even living in reality.

�She stole my birthday money out of a card from my Grandpa, then hid the card and never told me about it (remember, my birthday was three months ago). My sister found the emptied card and told me about it. She also found the Christmas cards addressed to her, myself, and Dan from said Grandpa�also hidden and emptied.

�She�s stolen $1100 from a �friend� of hers�and also threatened this friend when she tried to recoup her money. Said �friend� has informed us that Mom is often seen at her trailer with a large black man, and often a dozen or more people will be seen coming and going in a very short time. Golly, I can�t imagine why Mom would have so many visitors who don�t want to stay! I wonder what�s going on?!

�She�s missed 4 or more days at her new job, according to �friend�, because she�s too fucked up to go in. She�s put Dan $55,000 in debt. She comes and goes when she feels like it, sometimes leaving the house to go to her �trailer� in the middle of the night - or the middle of a snow storm.

�I told Dan everything - how�s she�s been smoking pot ever since she got out of rehab 12 years ago, and made me keep it a secret. How she constantly lies and pulls shit behind his back. How she borrowed $1600 of my Sug@rKitty loan money from me for a drug deal gone awry. And how she tried to borrow another $1000 a month later.

�She�s really pissed at me for telling Dan, but I refuse to speak to her. She�s since replaced the $25 from my Christmas money, claiming she had to use it to bail �friend�s� husband out of jail. The combined $100 she stole from us would not bail anyone out of jail, especially if �friend� had $1100 laying around for my Mom to steal. She has not replaced my birthday money, and as far as she thinks, I still don�t know it�s been taken. She thinks I was [only] pissed about the $25.

There�s so much more, but I could fill a hundred diaries with all of the nonsense. The point is, I�ve been dealing with this for 26 years. Somehow, I�ve always been made to feel guilty for her wrongdoings, and I�m absolutely fed up with it. I cannot deal with her guilt trips, her lies, and her loss of reality. Unless you�ve had a junkie in your life, it�s very, very hard to explain to someone what it�s like. How painful, and how shameful it is. How I feel like it�s somehow my fault that she�s so fucked up, and how guilty I feel for refusing to talk to her.

I went through this 12 years ago�when I was 14. Dan put her in rehab on Christmas Eve, after he finally found her. She�d been on another crack binge, Jeebus knows where. She�d been stealing � his money, his credit cards, my Nintendo � she even sold her own jewelry. It made me feel sick inside; sick with worry and shame. I was so relieved when she got better, because I thought I�d never have to feel those feelings again. Now, at 26, not only having to feel it all over again, but having the hindsight and maturity to piece a lifetime of events together�I can�t explain it.

She�s left awful, guilt-inducing voicemails about how everyone is abandoning her, and how ashamed she is that I�ve turned my back on her. How she�s always been there for me (?!) and she can�t believe I wouldn�t be there for her. And I received these on Christmas Eve. I played them for CP, and for my Dad and Cindy (stepmom)�because I wanted someone else to understand what I�ve been put through for all these years.

The difficult part is that my mom is not an evil person�she�s just the opposite. She�ll smother you with kindness. Only, her kindness is manipulative and self-serving. She�s done this time and time again � commit some great emotional wrong, and cover it with gifts and material shit to make up for it. I simply can�t carry the weight of her baggage anymore. She�s 44 years old.

Ack. See what happens when I actually sit down and write about her? I open up wounds that gush and gush and I never shut up. Gawd, I miss therapy. Stupid expensive therapists!

Moving along!

CP/Misc News!

CP and I continue to plod along in Relationshipville, much like any other couple. We�re still finding the best ways to communicate, and I�m trying not to rip his face off when I�m frustrated. We�ve both decided that if we can make it through me starting my own business (and therefore, broke) and he being quasi-jobless (and therefore, broke), then we�re probably destined for Something Big.

Most people wouldn�t have made it through what we have in such a short time. Me with my STRESS! STRESS! STRESS! Life, and the perpetual state of near-breakdown I�m in. He with his not ever wanting to talk about issues, assuming that I can read his mind and figure out what�s wrong. We have a lot to work through, but we�re getting there. Real relationships are more work than anything; I don�t recommend starting one when you�re starting your own business!!

CP has gone back to work for his Dad, with a fat raise, and a new outlook. I�m still working evenings at G@p Inc., doing email customer service. It�s excruciatingly boring, but it�s an easy, low-stress job. They�ve offered me a regular position (i.e. I will no longer be a Seasonal Peon), and I�m going to take it. I resent even having to have a job, but the lure of insurance and vacation days always sucks me in. Plus, I�m sort of fond of paying my bills. 30 hours is considered full-time, and I already work 28.5. I can squeeze in another 2.5 for insurance! And the Discount!!! Weeee!

Some pictures of us on New Year�s Eve! Just for fun!

And now, for the Best News of All!!! MY SISTER GOT ME A KITTEN FOR CHRISTMAS! I think it was to make up for the heartbreak of having to take Zoe to the Animal Shelter this past July. His name is Francis, and he�s the cutest goddamned thing you ever did see!

I�m now officially ending the Longest Entry Ever.