The fact that I'm distracted from Shit Job and mentally existing on another plane of reality certainly comes as no surprise. I spend an average of 2 hours a day on the net, or working on stuff for Sug@rKitty. I had my mid-year performance evaluation yesterday, and I was showered with compliments in regards to my stellar work performance. My manager is no dumbass, she knows there's jerking around going on...but as long as I continue to exceed my goals with a goddamn smile on my face, I'm considered a model employee. I almost felt bad for a minute. In three weeks, I'll be turning in my notice, and she's sitting there telling me how much she's looking forward to seeing my performance the rest of the year. It's also sad that I can screw around as much as I do, and still exceed my goals. *sigh*

36 more days!

I've been putting together a 'plan' for my business. It's not as formal as a real business plan, because I won't be taking out a small business loan. It's mostly to show my parents I've been doing my 'homework' (as my mom likes to call it), and show them just how fucking serious I am. They don't doubt me for a second, and they don't doubt my success, either...they just like to see that I've got the bases covered. They forget just how Anal Retentive their little list-making daughter is.

Obviously, things will crop up that I'm not expecting...but for being a newbie at this, I think I'm pretty damn prepared. One fantastic thing I've discovered is Sole Proprietership...which means I don't have to incorporate (yet), and I don't have to have worker's comp insurance and whatnot. Taxes will be a snap (relatively speaking when you're a math tard like me), and I don't have to have tons of insurance. This makes me happy happy.

But enough business talk.

Today's entry was meant to precede my last one, but I was waylayed, so here it is: CP's story.

But first...I want to mention that I did something very cathartic last Saturday.

I deleted every single email from R. I had saved over 150 (these are just the ones I saved!). I tried to delete them earlier in the week, without success...because I started to read them. This time, I plunged right in, deleting the entire folder without a second thought.

I also got rid of the Box of Todd, and the Book of David. This may not mean much to you, but these were vessels of memories I could simply not let go. David was a guy I dated in high school, as in 9 years ago. Todd broke up with me 7 years ago. But I could not let them go.

I've been over David for years. I don't really even think about him anymore. I finally got over Todd when i found out he was getting married, even though I've yet to make peace with him. I even cleaned out a bunch of crap from my ex Jeremy, whom I made peace (and friends) with ages ago. (Remember, I'm supposed to make a corset for his gf?) When I looked through all the letters, poems, and various other stuff I saved, I didn't feel sad. I just felt...well, nothing really. Most of the things put a wry half-smile on my face; a lot of it didn't even have meaning anymore.

I saved only a handful of photographs and a few poems that Todd had written to me; I still have all the little drawings R made for me. I haven't decided what I should do with them. I couldn't understand why I'd so fervently saved every single scrap of evidence that I'd actually been in a relationship with someone.

Maybe it was because I knew somewhere deep down that they were all doomed from the start, and I wanted always to save a piece of them. Maybe I just wanted tangible evidence that someone loved me...even if it was 10 years ago. And it wasn't really love. Or it was based on lies. Or whatever the hell it was.

The point is, I let go of my past...and this is a huge huge huge step for me. HUGE. I'm not sure I can convey just how huge it really is.

This is how CP makes me feel.

(As a side note: I really fucking miss him. I haven't seen him since I left for work Monday morning, and I haven't talked to him since Tuesday night. I'm a lovesick jerk! He doesn't come back from Canada 'til tomorrow, and I don't get to see him 'till Sunday! ACK!)

But I digress.

I met him on Friendster. I put a profile up ages ago, with no hope or expectation of meeting people whatsoever. I just thought it was some quirky little site, where I ran into several people I hadn't seen or heard from in years (weird, eh?). Anyhow, several months ago (towards the beginning of this year, I believe), CP sends me a random email. He tells me about two of his favorite authors, suggesting them for coffee shop reading. I tell him that when I have a few extra bucks, I'll pick a book or two of theirs, and give it a shot.

From then on, we exchange emails on a semi-regular basis, chatting about books and movies, and other such nonsense. Nothing serious, nothing flirtatious. A few months back, he tells me Jet will be in town, he'd like to go, would I like to join him? 'Sure', I say, 'who am I to turn down a free concert?' I don't think much about it, until the day of the show. It occurs to me that this may be a sort-of date, so I actually take care in dressing, while keeping in mind the filth and dank of the concert hall.

Neither one of us had any expectations, other than hanging out and having a few beers. I don't think we expected to really really like each other at all.

And so it began.

He's all the good things about every guy I've ever dated, and so far none of the bad. The only 'bad' thing about him is that he used to be married. Notice I said 'used to be', which means he's NOT married now. This isn't a bad thing, per se, but something I know I will have some difficulty dealing with when things progress to deeper levels of Seriousness. I guess they were married too young (early 20's), and they just weren't meant to be together. They were married a total of 3 and a half years, but spent the last 6 months living on different levels of the house. I think I can overcome that, right? Let's hope.

When he told me about his ex-wife, how he did everything for her...but she was never happy...I was incredulous. I sat thinking to myself, Once I get ahold of this guy, I will never let him go! He's a fucking catch-and-a-half.

Unless of course,he turns out to be crazy. It seems I'm a magnet for emotionally destroyed fuck-ups. Maybe I got lucky this time?

Either way, I've never felt this way about anyone before. At the risk of coming off as cliche and trite,I feel like I've known him forever. I'm able to talk to him about anything, which is HUGE for me. Past relationships have been destroyed because of my inability to communicate. And then there was R, who I was just plain scared of.

This could be it, kids.